There is no time of the year that I struggle more than the holiday season, I know I am not alone in this but it sometimes helps me to state the obvious first. Last year I got quite depressed and almost stepped down from CR leadership. The years before I did not want trees or music or lights I really just wanted to pretend the holidays did not exist. If I could have run away and hid I would have!
In my core I am a family man and how on this earth can I possibly have Christmas without my entire family? Caleb being away in the Navy was hard enough but Chris going to jail really cemented my desire to run and hide this time of the year, I am not even sure I know who I am without my boys. I have spent so many years and sacrificed many things to make sure my boys got what they needed…at least to the best of my abilities. Now no boys, not that I don’t still have my 3 boys but they are all doing things that I literally have no control over and really cannot help them at all. So in the end I feel helpless and in the case of Chris even hopeless. It has been great and I am thankful that Gabe has been with me through it all and that has really helped but I still feel loss at this time of year. Caleb has been able to come home more than expected and we even were able to all 4 go see Chris one year doing split visits. I have so many blessing so why am I still stuck?
Since Chris went to jail everything has changed. We are in different jobs and in our 3rd house since he left. None of which I wanted. I thought I wanted to go into social work and make a difference but even in that I have still not felt complete. When I got laid off from Dell I kind of looked at it as an opportunity but I had no way to really understand the financial consequences of that decision. That really only makes things worse at Christmas because now on top of it all we don’t have any money! I don’t know how many of you remember the Jamaican family on In Living Color but that is how I feel now…How many jobs do you have. Only one? I got 100 jobs! Jennifer and I work 4 jobs just to pay the basic bills and so now this year I have added exhaustion to my holiday season…for the first time in many many years I will be working retail on Black Friday!
So back to my title…why do I think it can be different this year? Why will this year be better even when things are still difficult and honestly nothing has really been resolved? So you are not going to like the first part of my answer…how many of you watched the first City Slickers movie with Billy Crystal? When Curly tells him the key to life is just one thing and then dies before he can tell him what that one thing is. SO the first part of my answer is…I DON’T KNOW I JUST WANT TO ENJOY IT THIS YEAR!!! Eventually you have to make a decision that even though you may still be in pain it is time to figure out how to enjoy at least some parts of your life again. My son would not be comforted by me being miserable and not enjoying the things I love. That does not honor him or help him or make things better for him. I felt guilty about enjoying my life when he cannot, but suffering on the outside while he suffers on the inside is not actually making anything better! Me being miserable is not making my son’s life better. If I do not learn how to enjoy life again now I will not be able to enjoy it even after he is out. I spend a great deal of time in the “what ifs” of life and guess what – that does nothing but steal my joy and keep me from everything God has for me. When my son gets out I want to be as healthy as I can be so I can actually be there for him. Right now I would not be able to do that since I am not healthy myself. There are things I need to do like get back down to one job and get time back for the part of life I do enjoy. But if I am not getting my heart and soul ready now how will I enjoy anything even when I finally have the time?
I am making the choice right here and now to figure out how to move forward and I am asking all of you to do it with me. I know it will not be an overnight magic trick and truthfully it might take a holiday or 2 to get it right but I have to start sometime and that time is now!
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