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It’s Christmas Eve…

I imagine that Heaven leaned a little closer to earth that night to get a peek at the miracle about to take place.  Quiet, stilled breath.  Waiting.  Heaven knew.  The world didn’t know yet, but they were waiting too.  Waiting for a Savior, but mostly for a King that would disrupt the political agendas and alleviate the heavy burden of religiosity.

Oh the waiting…praying for relief, praying for rest, praying for rescue.

It all sounds so familiar. I know the empty echo of fighting traffic, rushing from store to store and party after party, pasting a smile on your face hoping no one notices the sorrow underneath.  Present wrapping, ornament stringing when all does not feel merry and bright.

Sweet soul, it’s coming. All you are hoping for is on the way.

If what you need this year is to step away from the expectations of the busy commercial world, then I invite you to the manger.  Come as you are, weary and heavy laden.  Sit for a minute or two.  The hope of heaven is near.  He may only be a baby but He has come for you and He doesn’t care how many presents are under the tree.  He IS the gift. He doesn’t need you to smile or hang ornaments.  Lay it all down in the manger.  Cry if you need to, He knows.

Breathe. Rest. Your Savior has come.

There is no time of the year that I struggle more than the holiday season, I know I am not alone in this but it sometimes helps me to state the obvious first. Last year I got quite depressed and almost stepped down from CR leadership. The years before I did not want trees or music or lights I really just wanted to pretend the holidays did not exist. If I could have run away and hid I would have!

In my core I am a family man and how on this earth can I possibly have Christmas without my entire family? Caleb being away in the Navy was hard enough but Chris going to jail really cemented my desire to run and hide this time of the year, I am not even sure I know who I am without my boys. I have spent so many years and sacrificed many things to make sure my boys got what they needed…at least to the best of my abilities. Now no boys, not that I don’t still have my 3 boys but they are all doing things that I literally have no control over and really cannot help them at all. So in the end I feel helpless and in the case of Chris even hopeless. It has been great and I am thankful that Gabe has been with me through it all and that has really helped but I still feel loss at this time of year. Caleb has been able to come home more than expected and we even were able to all 4 go see Chris one year doing split visits. I have so many blessing so why am I still stuck?

Since Chris went to jail everything has changed. We are in different jobs and in our 3rd house since he left. None of which I wanted. I thought I wanted to go into social work and make a difference but even in that I have still not felt complete. When I got laid off from Dell I kind of looked at it as an opportunity but I had no way to really understand the financial consequences of that decision. That really only makes things worse at Christmas because now on top of it all we don’t have any money! I don’t know how many of you remember the Jamaican family on In Living Color but that is how I feel now…How many jobs do you have. Only one? I got 100 jobs!  Jennifer and I work 4 jobs just to pay the basic bills and so now this year I have added exhaustion to my holiday season…for the first time in many many years I will be working retail on Black Friday!

So back to my title…why do I think it can be different this year? Why will this year be better even when things are still difficult and honestly nothing has really been resolved? So you are not going to like the first part of my answer…how many of you watched the first City Slickers movie with Billy Crystal? When Curly tells him the key to life is just one thing and then dies before he can tell him what that one thing is. SO the first part of my answer is…I DON’T KNOW I JUST WANT TO ENJOY IT THIS YEAR!!! Eventually you have to make a decision that even though you may still be in pain it is time to figure out how to enjoy at least some parts of your life again. My son would not be comforted by me being miserable and not enjoying the things I love. That does not honor him or help him or make things better for him. I felt guilty about enjoying my life when he cannot, but suffering on the outside while he suffers on the inside is not actually making anything better! Me being miserable is not making my son’s life better. If I do not learn how to enjoy life again now I will not be able to enjoy it even after he is out. I spend a great deal of time in the “what ifs” of life and guess what – that does nothing but steal my joy and keep me from everything God has for me. When my son gets out I want to be as healthy as I can be so I can actually be there for him. Right now I would not be able to do that since I am not healthy myself. There are things I need to do like get back down to one job and get time back for the part of life I do enjoy. But if I am not getting my heart and soul ready now how will I enjoy anything even when I finally have the time?

I am making the choice right here and now to figure out how to move forward and I am asking all of you to do it with me. I know it will not be an overnight magic trick and truthfully it might take a holiday or 2 to get it right but I have to start sometime and that time is now!

So, in case this didn’t make the headlines where you are….Disney just released a live-action version of the Lion King. Our family went to see it on opening night. It was everything! I have to mention the original Lion King was released the year our oldest son, Christopher, was born and he watched it incessantly growing up. In fact, for almost a whole year, he refused to reply to us if we addressed him as anything but Simba. Oh, our sweet Simba boy. He loved his mom and dad fiercely; he was rough and tumble and a little bit unsure of his roar. He affectionately called his daddy Mufasa with so much pride in his little voice. As for me, I somehow was the embodiment of Zazu to him. Ahem. Maybe because I tend to be a little bossy? It’s okay. We can agree to disagree. In my heart, I know I’m Sarabi. If you didn’t love the new Lion King, I will give you grace because you didn’t have a genuine Simba living in your house for a season.

Watching it again in a new, updated way brought back a whole flood of memories and emotions. I thought back to that sweet, innocent boy roaring through our house and wondered at all that has transpired in his life. Hindsight is 20/20, or so they say. But looking back I can see where he drifted away from his inner Simba to something less true; something less than king of the jungle, instead becoming tinged with anger and self-doubt. I see how over the course of time he forgot he was a lion.

During the movie, I felt God whispering to me a series of simple but powerful lessons  that both reassured me and challenged me. Here are my lessons from the lion:

• Lions know they are lions. I don’t imagine a lion ever wandering through the African plains wondering if it might instead actually be a meerkat or a warthog. Mufasa never for a moment entertained the idea that he was not a lion. He was a lion and he knew it. Lions hold a certain place in the circle of life. They are at the top of the food chain and they won’t settle for eating slimy yet satisfying food, no matter how cute Disney makes it seem. They are courageous, carnivorous creatures that hunt exactly the way God created them to hunt. They don’t cower, they don’t hide and they don’t concede to being less than lions.
• Lions know their strengths and their weaknesses. They don’t go downwind. They conserve energy by hunting in packs in the cool of the day and they rest when it’s hot. Lions manage the resources available to them and use them to their advantage. Lions stay away from the shadowy places, not because they fear what might be there but because they know nothing befitting a lion dwells in the shadowy place.
• Lions know who their king is and follow him. Lions rest in the freedom to follow their leader because their king knows how to lead them. Their king knows where the good hunting grounds are and how to stay away from danger. The king always has the best interest of the pack in mind and is fiercely protective of his pride.
• A lion’s motto is never Hakuna Matata. Lions make things happen. Lions are problem solvers and solution seekers.

Last but not least, lions know the son of the king inherits the king’s legacy. This the place where I think our Simba went most off track. He forgot he was a son of the king and the king’s legacy was waiting for him. Our sweet, wide-eyed Simba allowed the world to tell him he wasn’t a lion when he clearly was. He was born a lion and he will always be a lion. The world tried to call him so many things besides a lion – underachiever, nerd, fidgety, unattractive, less than, a failure. The shadowy places seemed safer because nobody was looking for a lion there. For a season, he tried living as a meerkat but it’s pretty silly to be a lion living in a meerkat colony trying to fit in the meerkat tunnels and eat meerkat food.

I got a letter from our Simba last week. In it he talks about a great number of things, but the highlight of the letter is a sentence towards the end where he tells me he sees again the path God has for him and is growing everyday into the man of God he was created to be. Ah, Simba. You ARE a lion and He lives IN YOU.

Be blessed, friends!

-Jennifer

“Fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing.”

Bonus points if you can tell me who said those words.  They ring truer to me today than they ever have.  Legacy opportunities almost never come along in a moment of convenience.  It’s annoying!  Mostly because it’s so contrary to the “happily ever after” story the world tries to sell us.  Happily ever after has never been my legacy story.  Like…not ever.  Every piece of legacy I have ever established happened in moments of deep struggle.  I suppose I should not be surprised.  There is an overwhelming amount of Biblical support for legacy stories born out of trials.

Take, for example, the story found in Daniel 3.  Let me set the stage for you.  Nebuchadnezzar has set himself up as the reigning king of Babylon.  By all accounts, he has everything he could ever want.  But as power often does, it corrupts him and makes him suspicious about the loyalty of his followers.  Side note: Isn’t it funny how just at the time we think we have everything we need, we discover what we really want is still out of our reach?  So, to satisfy himself, the king makes a rule.  His rule is this – when a certain song plays in his kingdom, everyone who hears it should bow down and worship a golden idol.  Such a simple plan.  But right there in the middle of his brilliant scheme are three God-fearing men who refuse to bow down.  Imagine how irate the king must have been when he heard about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego!  Who are these men that they would dare defy the king?  The king, in turn, decides these three men should either obey him or literally burn to death.  Check out their answer:

¹⁶ Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. ¹⁷ If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us^[c] from Your Majesty’s hand. ¹⁸ But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

Oh my goodness!  Keep in mind, up until this point, these three men have done nothing but mind their own business.  They didn’t wake up that day thinking “Today is a good day to create legacy!  Or burn to death.  Whichever.  God, it’s up to you.”  No, they were simply going about their everyday lives when someone asked them to make a choice.  And how do they answer?  “Dear King, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in the matter.  God is able to deliver us from the fire and from your hand.  But even if he doesn’t, we stand by our decision.”  Good grief!  The tension in that room must have been almost unbearable!  The king, of course, makes good on his promise and throws them in the fire.  As you probably already know, God sends an angel to keep them company and ultimately saves them out of the fiery furnace.

Let’s pause for a moment, though, because I think sometimes we rush the story a little bit in order to get to the victorious end.  It’s important we take notice of a couple things happening in the middle.  First, God didn’t keep them from going into the furnace.  I’m sure He could have.  He’s God.  But He didn’t.  They were thrown into the fiery furnace EVEN THOUGH they were walking in obedience to Him.  I wince a little bit at the idea that walking in obedience doesn’t mean there won’t be fire. Don’t you?  The thing about fire is – it’s hot!  Which leads me to my second point.  Just because the fire didn’t consume them doesn’t mean it wasn’t hot.  The Bible says the King heated the furnace up seven times hotter than usual!  The guards who carried them to the furnace entrance actually died from the heat coming out of the furnace!  There’s a lot the Bible doesn’t say about the situation inside the furnace, but I have to wonder…  Were they sweating in there?  Was it hot enough they worried about surviving?  How long did they stand in the fire before the angel showed up?  How long before they were finally called out of the fire?  Seconds? Minutes? Hours?  Exactly how long did they sweat it out waiting?  All the while, even as they were standing in the flames, legacy was being created for generations to come.  Wow.

I tell you what, I don’t know about you, but I’ve been standing in the fire for almost three years now.  Is God here?  Yes!  Resoundingly so!  But it sure gets hot sometimes.  I didn’t choose this moment or this way to build legacy but I believe with my whole heart that this is our legacy opportunity.  God is able to deliver us from this fire and from the hands of the people who try to hold us captive, but even if He doesn’t, as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

Today, if you feel like your legacy opportunity has been handed to you in the worst possible moment, you are not alone.  So many have gone before you.  So many stand beside you.  I know it’s hot.  But hold tight, deliverance – AND LEGACY – are coming.

Jennifer

Legacy.  It’s the thing we leave behind after all our days have been spent here on earth.  Intentionally or unintentionally, legacy is what will remain long after we are gone.  We get only this one chance to leave an eternal footprint.  Legacy.

I’ve waited a little while to write this post, though it’s been bouncing around in my head for a couple of months.  I listened to a TED Talk this summer by Susan Klebold.  If that name doesn’t ring a bell for you, she is the mother of Dylan Klebold – one of the two Columbine shooters – who took part in the murder of 13 people on April 20, 1999.  [You can listen to her talk in its entirety here.]  She says something in her talk that shook me to the core.  She says “It has taken me years to try and accept my son’s legacy.”  Wow…who can imagine the legacy of having a son who’s life ended so publicly, violently and tragically?  Who can imagine what it has been like for her to live out her life in the nearly 2 decades since that day?  She has been living in the wake of something that will be part of history for all time.  I don’t know if she used that word “legacy” with deep intention or if it just seemed the right word for what she was trying to say in the moment but I’m a wordsmith and it got me thinking.

As you probably know by now, my son is in prison and, without supernatural intervention, he will live the remainder of his days with a “legacy” given him by our society.  Whether earned or not, this is his reality.  But is this his true legacy?  Does society and culture get to define that for him and for us?  As I listened to Sue Klebold tell her story, I wept over the idea that something so eternal could also be so fragile.  I wept for my son and all that he was born to be.  It was in that moment of weeping that I heard the Lord’s voice say “Dear girl, could any gift I give be so easily broken by the world?  His legacy remains unbroken.”  It was a revelational moment.  Every wish, every dream, every desire I’ve ever had for my son may have only been just that – a wish.  But the legacy that God gifted to him before time and space even existed, remains unbroken.  All that God has for him is still being held safe and secure until that moment when he will finally be able to step into it and live it out boldly knowing it was always his.

Dear one, I don’t know where you are today or what you are walking through.  I don’t know what title the world has tried to give you or what moniker they have plastered on your life.  This world can be so unforgiving – a place filled with cruelty and judgment.  But know this – your legacy remains unbroken.  Whether you have found the boldness to walk it out or if you are still waiting and gathering courage, your legacy is safe and sound in the hands of the Lord until you find the strength to take that first, brave step.  It may not look the way you wished or dreamed but it’s your true legacy – the one planned for you from the beginning of time.

Mike and I certainly didn’t see this legacy coming.  I’m not sure that anything we might have done could have prepared us for the road we are only just beginning to walk.  This is the road He prepared for us when we were still wandering around in the wilderness trying to find ourselves.  THIS legacy – this will stand long after our wishes and dreams have been forgotten.  It’s not the safe or the easy road, but no one ever changed the world walking those streets.  We will join hands with our son and live out this gift of legacy taking every single step knowing that these are the steps God always planned for us.  This will be our Legacy Unbroken.

For more information on what’s being done to change the face of our (in)justice system, please go to www.innocenceproject.org or www.guiltypleaproblem.org.